Clyde Cell Tap

Alright teacher, alright?

What do you think I'm supposed to just be on call?

What the fuck is that?

Like I go to school and all I do is wait for them to call me.

What did you just say?

And you can't understand that.

You should not understand when someone's not home, they're not home.

Hey, you know what he did?

He can't go to Mark's face for no reason.

This guy's so fucking melodramatic.

I don't know anyone that's more melodramatic than this fucking guy.

That's why I fucking hate talking to him.

Every time I talk to him, we get some bullshit argument.

And he's always flipping out.

You know what I mean?

Who the fuck wants to talk to someone like that?

Listen, don't pick up the phone when he talks.

Don't pick up the phone.

Oh, man.

You're listening to Clyde Seltap Podcast.

Just listen to it.

And please,

leave feedback at

ClydeSeltap at gmail.com

You will hear

random credit recordings

from Clyde's cell phone.

So just listen

to what him and his friends have to say

to each other.

What's up?

Please enter your password.

0077

You have one

new voice message and one

saved message.

New message

Wednesday, 3.09

p.m.

Clyde, I'm going to give you this one warning.

If you check your message again

and you don't have a guarantee, I'll have my sister

not even make you come in that house.

I need you to give me a call back

right away.

If you refuse to give this message

and I catch you over there,

I give you my word, Clyde.

I give you my word. You will not like

the attitude that you're going to get from me.

I will make sure that will be the last time you hang with him.

I need you to give him this

message to make him give me a call

back right away when you check your message

again.

I got a lot of things I got to do

besides this project.

Right? Damn it. He doesn't get that.

In fact,

man, I'm a complete psycho.

The book's nearly done. He added shit

last night. He's working.

He thinks I work on his clock.

You know what I mean?

Jesus Christ, man.

I want to help him with this

or I can get...

I'm not going to think about my own career

and shit. My own endeavors.

I swear to God, I cannot wait

to finish. I'm going to tell him straight up. After this book,

I'm not doing shit. I don't care how much

you pay me. The stress that you cause me

is not enough, the money you pay me.

It's just not enough.

You know what I mean? And I know I cause him stress, too.

So you know what? How about you go find somebody

that's going to do it for you full-time

because I'm not that person.

You can't be full-time doing this bullshit.

Damn it. I'm sorry

about that, man. I'll talk to him tonight.

Yo, listen.

That's disrespectful to be calling someone you don't even really

know. Calling and leaving

that... You know what I mean?

All right, teacher. All right?

He thinks I'm supposed to just be on call.

The fuck is that?

Like, I go to school and all I do is wait for him to call me.

What?

You know what I mean? And he can't understand that.

He should not understand. When someone's not home, they're not home.

You know what he did? He can't get over Mark's face

for no reason. This guy's so

fucking melodramatic. I don't know anyone that's more

melodramatic than this fucking guy. That's why I fucking hate

talking to him. Every time I talk to him,

we get some bullshit argument.

And he's always flipping out.

You know what I mean? Who the fuck wants to talk to

someone like that?

Listen, don't pick up the phone with your thoughts.

Don't pick up the phone.

Oh, man.

He's gonna motivate you.

And it's gonna be motivating colors and motivating

quotes and motivating this and that.

No, I mean, hey, motivating is better than

better than, you know, taking pills.

I mean, this is like, they have a book

that says if you eat this, you know what I'm

saying, this is what's gonna happen.

It's like Arnold saying, you know,

eat this, but I'm gonna yell at you

to make you eat it. You know what I'm saying?

It's like, I don't, I can't explain

what his approach is. I mean,

I don't know.

Motivating for success? Okay, motivating.

The only way you're gonna really motivate someone

is if you meet them at the gym every day and you kick

their ass and that's it. You're not gonna

motivate someone by writing a book,

by making

a website in pictures, okay? Especially

by not telling someone that you

friggin' tried to kill yourself.

Okay? That's not how you're gonna motivate

someone. Listen, did I tell you

about, okay, did I tell

you about what he's gonna do about the personal

contact? Basically, you go in there,

you subscribe. Twenty dollars a month.

And what you get is

you get access to the

diet plan that's on the back end.

Alright? It's this diet

plan that he has. Pretty cool.

Um, but there's

this number that you call, which is gonna be

his cell phone, and you're gonna hope you're gonna

get...

You're gonna get another cell phone.

You're gonna get another cell phone, right? A second cell phone.

And that's the phone you're gonna call.

But what if he's working?

Then he's gonna have a voice box

where you leave a voicemail and he calls

you back.

No, no, no, no.

He should have a set time when to call in.

Or one day where he just accepts

all calls. I mean,

it's like, it's like he's saying

he has 24-7 support.

Imagine we come up in the middle of the night.

Who's this? You hear me?

Hey, Jimmy, man, listen.

Alright? You gotta keep working,

man. You gotta do it.

B, I don't give up.

I pushed my nephew as hard as I could

to make this website. B, I don't

give up. You shouldn't give up.

I know, Arnold, but, um,

well, frankly, it's just like,

you're not here to bust my ball, so

really, I don't want to listen to you.

Well, as long as you pay me the 20 bucks,

I mean, do whatever you want, but I'm just telling you

to be sober. You know what I'm saying?

Listen, it's the day...

Guys, this is part two.

Much more

exciting to listen to.

I'm like, listen, I hope you

come back with your baby father, because

that's the only way you're gonna get your son back.

You're a fucking baby donor. That's exactly what I told her.

I'm like, you're a baby donor. How do you feel

if you fucking had a baby and you

gave it away? That's all you fucking did. And I'm like,

you're never gonna get your son back because you're a fucking moron.

I'm like, everything that the court tell you to do right,

you don't even do it. They tell you to

stop smoking weed, tell you to stop drinking,

you don't do it. You're never gonna have your son back.

Period. Point blank. I'm like,

you're a fucking baby donor. I'm like,

I can't believe I wasted my time with you. I'm like,

everybody in them mama told me to fucking cut you.

It was a long time ago and I didn't listen. Clyde's like,

the biggest psycho. As soon as Clyde

found out I was fucking her, Clyde's like, yo,

that bitch is crazier than Arianne.

Exactly what he said. He's like, she's fucking psycho.

Don't fuck with her. Don't,

don't get involved with her because she's crazy.

That bitch is fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Fucking looney tune,

backy duck

psycho bitch. She fucking, you know

how dumb the bitch is? She says, you gotta go

and fuck me up, right? I'm like, yo,

first of all, if you plan on getting

somebody to beat my ass, why would you

text me in a text message? And

why would you fucking call my phone? I'm saving

that shit, so if I get into a beef with somebody and I have to

fuck somebody up, that bitch

is gonna get in trouble. I'm telling you right now.

You know what I'm saying? I'm like, don't,

if you plan on beating somebody up or plan on hurting

somebody, you don't tell them about it. And if you're

gonna tell them about it, make sure it's not

in a voicemail. Come on, man. How fucking

dumb can that be?

If I'm gonna shoot you, I'm not gonna write you a letter

saying you're gonna die. That's fucking dumb.

That's fucking absolutely stupid. I'm like,

that's, that's like,

I'm not,

shook her, shook her what, dog? Yo,

the bitch is trying to say, she's like,

yo, she fucking, we broke up the

first time, she begged me to take her back. She's like,

I'm sorry, I fucked up. She's like,

I don't know what I was thinking. This

and that. I'm like, alright, whatever.

The second time we broke up, I'm like, look, I'm like

point blank. I'm like, I'm not

gonna be waiting around for you to make a decision. I'm like,

I'm young. I'm cute.

I make fucking good money.

Bitches out there wanna fuck with me. I'm like,

I'm not gonna wait around. Tell you what, the day

we broke up, I got a phone call at 3.30 in the

morning. Some bitch that I used to fuck with.

Remember that girl Christina Clyde? The, um,

the tall white bitch with the big tits?

From Boston? Remember that?

This chick called me at

3.30 in the morning, telling me she wanted to see me.

One of the bosses picked up and I fucking banged that

shit out all night.

All night. I was

beating that shit like a runaway slave.

I was all up in that ass like, who's this?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Fucking killing it.

I should be on trial for murder right now.

I was fucking

stabbing that shit up like there was no tomorrow.

I was fucking, like, stabbing that shit up.

Like a fucking god damn.

Like a jackhammer.

Had it from the back

by the shoulders, fucking tagging that shit up like,

girl, what's my name, bitch?

Like, Priyanka.

And I was dogging that out.

Yeah, yeah, man. I can get

any way to contact with that chick.

Cut her from your phone, everything. It's like...

Man, the thing is, the thing is, I did, right?

But the funny thing is, the bitch

doesn't erase my phone number. She got my number

and it's mad easy to memorize, you know?

So the other day she called my phone.

Tell me how dumb this bitch is.

I still get mailed there from the fucking

the car company, which I don't care about because I'm

fucking, I haven't paid in like three months.

But I get mailed there for a loan

and I get mailed there from the bank still, right?

So she's like, why, how come

you didn't change your address? She called me all

calm and shit, it's like three years ago.

She's like, how come you still get mailed here? You didn't change your

address yet? I was like, nah,

I haven't changed yet. She's like,

oh, I was just checking, but I threw a lot of the mail

away because, yeah, I'm like, okay.

Yeah, alright. Why the fuck are you calling

me? I don't give a fuck about the bitch, the mail

bitch. I don't care. Looking for a reason

to call me, you know what I'm saying?

I didn't even, matter of fact, when she called me, I was like, who's this?

I didn't even know the fucking phone number on the phone. I didn't know who it was.

You know what I'm saying? So now, honey,

the number on the phone is don't answer.

So when the hoe calls my phone, I'm not

picking it up.

Dumb, bro.

Uneducated bitch. You should hear the voice now. I

erased it, but she's so fucking stupid.

She sounds so dumb, like,

you know, she sounds like a fucking, I'm like,

oh, I was dissing her bad. I was

like, how do you feel that my brother's 15

years old and got a good education and

fucking ninth grade high school dropout?

I was like, I was like, how do you feel?

I'm like, how do you feel that fucking Greg

is smarter than you and you're fucking 20 years old?

I'm like, how the fuck do you feel? I'm like, how do you

feel that you're fucking, you ain't heading

nowhere in life, you ain't shit, you ain't gonna be shit,

you're never gonna be anything but a baby.

I'm like, how do you feel? I'm like,

I'm like, how do you feel about being that? I'm like,

how the fuck do you feel? I'm like, come on.

Let's be real. Let's be real.

Like, I'm like, I'm sitting there looking at her

and I'm like, yo, why am I gonna reduce

myself to be with somebody that's not even on my

love list? I was sitting there thinking, I wanna marry

you. This bitch wanted me to marry her, dog.

This bitch was like, this was this bitch told me.

She's like, if we're together this time next year, I wanna

get married in Las Vegas. I'm like, whoa.

I'm like, whoa,

baby. I'm like, I'm 20 years old,

motherfucker. I'm like, I ain't trying to

shut down, because first thing's gonna happen, you're gonna want a divorce,

you're gonna take everything that I got.

Yo, I always think, like, what if, what if?

But I'm like, I wasn't gonna pop the question to the bitch.

The bitch ain't got no fucking money. She's

fucking broke. I mean, dude.

This bitch is so broke, it should be a fucking crime.

It's, it's

insane. Like, I swear

to you, like, she, um,

I got this girl a job,

like, she has no, like, no

people skills, no sales skills.

I got her a job at Wendy's for the fucking burgers.

Right? My boy's the manager,

bitch. I walked her in there. She wanted

to get a job. I'm like, alright, I'll get you a job.

I got her a job.

My boy hired her on the spot.

No interview, no nothing. Gave her a job, you know what I'm saying?

For 50 an hour, but look, you got

no fucking bills, you know what I'm saying? For 50

an hour, that's like 300 bucks a week,

you know what I'm saying? You have no bills, you know what I'm

saying? So you have nothing to worry about. So

why the fuck you gonna try to hop from Wendy's to

fucking beat Donald Trump? It's not gonna happen.

The bitch went from

Wendy's to cell phones where I

worked at, and that job's mad cut, though.

It's cut, though. It's ruthless, you know what I'm saying?

She hopped from that.

It's like you hopping from fucking

being a librarian and trying to sell phones, trying to sell

fucking TVs. That's serious. You're gonna get fired, you know what I'm saying?

So she hopped

from that to that, you know what I'm saying?

And saying she's gonna make money. But my

boy's like, this girl's mad annoying. I'm gonna fire her.

Yo, Clyde, isn't that that, uh,

isn't she the one that you said flipped out

at the boss? Yep.

Yeah, this chick is a fucking

loony tune, man. She should be on fucking, like,

make a cartoon out of that bitch. She should be called

Psycho Bitch. She's fucking,

yo, she's sitting there making

threats that she's gonna fuck me up. I'm like, dude,

my mom already wanted to, my mom already wanted to beat her ass

anyways. I'll have my mom go by then and fuck her

ass up. She doesn't want me to have my mom go down there. My mom

will drag her ass all over the sidewalk.

My mom already wanted to fuck her up anyways.

So if she thinks she's gonna fucking,

let something happen, like, let somebody come to my

fucking mom's crib and something happens. I'm gonna have

her beat her ass, and I'm gonna

fucking, whoever she brings with her to fucking fuck with me,

I'm gonna fuck them up, too. Simple

as that. She's not that smart, though. She's not

gonna bring anybody to my front doorstep. That's just,

you know what I'm saying? You're asking

bitches like that, right? They got nothing to lose.

They're like, they will flip out with

some crazy shit. She's got, she's got

plenty to lose. She's got, she's got a few teeth to fucking lose.

She fucks with me, she's gonna lose a few teeth, I'm telling you right now.

I don't have a problem.

I don't have a problem fucking, you know what I'm saying?

If she comes on my crib, I will fucking fuck

somebody up. She won't come to my front doorstep,

you know what I'm saying? You got

some balls to come to somebody's front doorstep and fucking start a problem.

If I see you outside from me, then that's different.

But if you bring drama to somebody's front doorstep,

you got some fucking balls.

Big, big,

gigantic, African-American

balls.

Like I got. You got some big balls.

If you're gonna come to my front doorstep and bring some

flowers to my front doorstep, you might as well

as fucking sign a death certificate.

Straight up. That's fucking stupid. I would

never, you know what I'm saying? If I got beef with somebody, I would never go there.

That's fucking so disrespectful, you know what I'm saying?

If I catch you outside, then I'll, you know what I'm saying?

I'll tell you something, but I would never bring you front doorstep.

What else did I say to her?

Um, oh, she was like, you little

dick, you little dick faggot. I was like,

what? Little dick, Anna?

I had you fucking, you know what I'm saying?

I had, yo, I put it so deep

in that bitch one day, she said,

ow, ow, you're hitting the nerves, take it out,

take it out, take it out.

Yo, I had this bitch fucking

airing

out like

You see that shit like fucking in the movies

and it opens the space door and it's just sucking

everything out?

It sounded like that shit.

Scotty, close the door!

Fucking dogging that shit.

She has, yo, she's so

funny, and I was like,

and then the last time she

like, today she sent me a message earlier, I'm like,

Anna, just stop talking. You're embarrassing yourself.

But I haven't heard from her ever since then. I'm like, you're embarrassing

yourself. Like, you sound fucking pathetic.

You are embarrassing yourself. Everything that you're

saying is contradicting, like,

the truth. I'm like, Anna, you know I'm not lying.

You know what I'm saying? But I'm like,

she wanted me, yo, ask

Clyde, this chick wanted me to get

her pregnant. Am I fucking lying?

She was begging

me, she was begging me to fucking

give her a baby.

She wanted, she wanted me to fucking

give her a baby. She's

like, I want to get pregnant, I want to have you, I want to

have your child. I'm like,

oh, Nelly, I'm glad she was

on a fucking dick-devil shot, cause

nigga, I would have to take that to the

baby from that bitch. That bitch is crazy.

That bitch is fucking

crazy.

Woo! I don't know

what I was thinking. I'm so

good. Like, oh my god.

Clyde was right for once in his life.

But, now it's Clyde's turn to get

rid of Mary Ann, cause I've been telling him to get rid of that

fucking behemoth.

I've been telling him.

Fuck off. I've been

telling you to get rid of that broad.

I'm telling you, I feel good. I feel like

fucking, oh man. I

like this fine ass

girl today. Woo!

She's seventeen, but I don't give a fuck.

I'm about to beat that ass.

She is so

fucking, she is so

fucking cute. Oh my

god. Yo.

Yo, you know how many years you can get for that shit?

Seventeen is legal, nigga. I ain't

statutory rape. Seventeen is legal?

Seventeen is legal, nigga.

You know, I fucked a 16-year-old one time.

I fucked, the youngest I fucking was, she was

sixteen and I tagged that ass. I fucking

ditched her hard. That was some

good ass pussy. That shit was mad tight. I

fucking killed that bitch. I had

her fucking, I fucked up her leg.

She was done. I fucked her up.

She was done. She was like,

ah, my leg, my leg. I was like,

whatever.

I tore that ass up.

Clyde was at work that day.

I brought her over to the crib. I fucking

had the ones behind her head fucking

that shit up. That shit

was mad tight. It was like fucking trying to

trying to fit a square into a circle.

Do you have a condom on?

Oh, yeah.

That was the one. She said,

do you have a condom on? I was like, oh,

yeah, I do.

I think I'm going to put one.

Do you fucking take a condom on?

Once in a while.

Yeah, like, I used to fuck

Anna with one, but that bitch, I don't even

know. I got a fucking, I had a

urinary tract infection. I got one.

And it was when I was fucking with her.

I was in the hospital. It's a fire, dawg.

That shit is some scary shit right there, boy.

That shit is some scary

motherfucking shit. I was sitting

there fucking pissing flames. I was like,

I pulled my dick out in the hospital. I melted the

fucking cup.

What? I pulled my, I had to take a

piss test, alright? I peed in the

cup and it fucking melted, dawg.

That's how fucking bad I was fucking

pissing flames. I was pissing out flames, dawg.

I burnt my, I burnt a hole in my drawers

at the fucking hospital, nigga.

That shit was scary.

I was sitting there.

I went to the hospital like, sir, what's wrong? I'm gonna come, I'm pissing

fire, bitch.

Yeah, man, you better be careful, man.

Nah, but yo, it was with her, and yo, she

she go, yo, her or any

other dumb bitch. No, no, no, no, I don't

I don't go around fucking, you know, I just slept

with fucking, like, 24 girls.

I haven't slept, every girl I haven't fucked with like that.

Nah, I was with her for five months, you know what I'm saying?

And the other girl just fucking

whatever, she was, it happened, but

I'm, I got checked out, I'm straight, but

I never had a problem like that before

until I started sleeping with her.

So, the baby mama came to the office.

Say, for instance, right, she has a kid.

She's gonna want you. Yo, if I have a kid,

it's fucking

He's not even yours.

That bitch is gonna tag it on you because he wants you so bad.

But, you know what I'm saying,

I'm straight. I haven't fucked with her in over a month

and she had a, and the last time we had

sex, the bitch fucking

had her fucking period, like, in the middle of sex

and fucking, it was, it was

bloody Mary everywhere. I had fucking

I looked like that shit from fucking

period. I had blood all over my

fucking nut sack, all over my fucking

dick. It was everywhere.

It was like a fucking emergency in the bedroom,

dog. I fucking, I turned,

I turned on the fucking light and I'm like, what the fuck

is this? I had, there was a

big ass puddle in the bed. I was

like, yo, it's,

yo, I didn't even know, bro.

I thought it was mad, I was like,

it was mad wet. I'm like,

all you hear is

I'm like, what the fuck

is, I'm like, what the fuck is this?

And it felt mad juicy. I'm like, yo,

what the fuck? I turned

the light on, it looked like a fucking homicide.

I was like,

what the fuck? She had blood on her

ass, fucking blood all over the bed,

all over my fucking

nut hair.

It was everywhere. I ran home, hopped

in the fucking shower and scrubbed myself for like 45 minutes.

I was like,

and you know what the bitch had the balls

to tell me? Get used to it. We're gonna

be doing it a lot more often. I'm like,

you must know your motherfucking mind.

I'm like, you better fucking,

I am not into that shit. That shit's disgusting.

Some motherfuckers like that shit. I was watching

that shit on Loveline. There's a

white boy that likes to be his girlfriend on

period. I'm like, you sick motherfucker, you gotta

be white. But,

that bitch is just psychotic, dawg.

Like, looney tune

fucking, no, and

the thing is, I don't really care,

I'm not stressing it, but I'm gonna

tell you right now, I've never been in a lot of relationships,

I'm gonna tell you this, I'm gonna hit you to the game right now.

Bitches like niggas

that fucking

treat them like shit. You can be the nicest guy

in the world, and they don't, and girls

don't know how to hold onto

nice guys.

They don't,

the bitch would rather have her life get punched

out and not have anyone in the house,

rather than a nigga that will pay the light bill

and not whip her ass. I'm telling you right now,

that the chick would hit this other dude, this dude

Ronald.